you said that i’ll be okay
for the first time ever, i wrote an entire post on here and just deleted it. actually, i didn’t even go through the process of hitting “delete” to get rid of it. i just highlighted it and started type that line right up there. i spent ten minutes trying to find the lyrics to a song i was going to reference and just deleted it.
what i wrote just didn’t feel right.
it was decent, and i think the six people who read this may have even gotten something out of it, but it didn’t feel right. it felt like i was trying to open up but still trying to cover up things at the same time.
it didn’t feel authentic.
i want to be authentic. there may only be six people reading this thing but hey, you guys are reading it for a reason.
for a while now, even before church this morning, there has been junk in my life that i didn’t like. there wasn’t something huge like me killing kittens in my basement for fun, but just a bunch of little things. we always have struggles with things. it’s the way life works. i’ve won on a lot of the struggles. at the same time, i’ve lost on a lot of them too.
i was handed a whole new trunk of junk after the stuff with the ex (get it? junk in the trunk? i’m clever.) as with the other “junk” throughout the 21 years before that, i won on some of them and lost on others.
i was dealt a huge thing of depression and lost for a long time, but eventually i won and stopped struggling with it.
at one point i felt like because she hurt me like she did, either i had to tear her down or hope that someone would hurt her just as bad but eventually i won and stopped acting like that.
i had a huge, “am i good enough?” thought going in my head for a long time but eventually i started to win over that. it still comes back up occasionally but i win much more than i lose with that.
but then there are other things.
i used to read different blogs. most of them dealt with hollywood type stuff (movies and tv shows) and some dealt with sports. i started out reading these blogs to find out things on the shows i liked and to hear funny stories about lindsay lohan or britney spears doing something stupid.
it was all innocent entertainment.
there were other things on those sites that i knew i shouldn’t look at and did a really good job not looking at. then when things started going bad with her, it’s like these stories that i would skip over were screaming, “hey! over here! look! boobies! that’ll make you smile.” so i clicked them one time and, well, they did. it was pretty cool. suddenly by looking at a picture, i didn’t feel like complete crap and like my world was crashing down around me.
i would occasionally look at those pictures when they popped up. i even sent them to some of my friends because hey, we’re dudes, and we’re supposed to like that type of stuff. after a while i’d feel guilty about it, tell god i was sorry, and try not to do it again.
but that didn’t work.
something would happen and i would start to feel like crap again and all of a sudden, “hey! hot girl in a really little bikini! over here!” and, well, i’d look. and i’d think things i shouldn’t. it made me forget about the crappy reality around me for a minute or two and quite frankly, that’s what i thought i needed.
then i’d feel guilty again.
then i would tell god i was sorry and that i didn’t wanna look at those pictures anymore.
then it would happen again.
and it became this endless cycle. i would be lying if i didn’t say that it still wasn’t one of the things that i’m only batting .500 against. i win sometimes but i lose just as much.
this summer at camp, i was always really open with this struggle with the kids. i wanted them to see that the stuff they were dealing with wasn’t just in their life but it was something that we all dealt with. it was really easy to tell those kids about this struggle because they didn’t know me and at the end of the week, they went home. it’s a lot harder to admit struggles like these to people that know you. it’s a lot harder to admit struggles like these when you know close friends and family members may end up reading this.
but you know what, sometimes it’s what is needed.
throughout the summer, i was able to talk to one of the counselors about this stuff. he was going through a lot of the same stuff i was. it was weird how much better it felt sharing my junk with someone else and not having them judge me but rather having them love me enough to say, “you know what, i got your back.”
guys, i screw up.
and i screw up a lot.
i’ve never gotten into drugs or alcohol. those aren’t my struggles. my struggles were on the inside. i shouldn’t say were. my struggles are on the inside. i struggle with keeping my thoughts pure. i may not go out and physically mess around with girls but i struggle with doing it mentally. i’m not proud of it and quite frankly it’s embarrassing, but it’s me. it’s who i am.
i’ve deleted the bookmarks i had set up for those blogs.
i’ve had internal fights in my head telling myself to stop thinking about certain things.
i’ve lost. a lot.
it’s funny because i spent ten minutes looking up the lyrics to that song earlier. i was going to use a verse that really stuck out to me and talk about that. now, having deleted all of that and written this, i find myself coming back to that same song. except this time, it’s a completely different line:
i may have lost my way now
i haven’t forgotten my way home
i’ve lost. a lot. but i know my way to winning. i know what it takes to beat this struggle. part of it was just admitting it to not some random kids at a christian camp, but to my friends, to my family, and to anyone else in al gore’s internet that happens to read this. now it’s time to give it to god.
this struggle isn’t going to hold me back anymore. it’s not going to bring me down. it’s not going to run my life.
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice day.