Why Not? Wednesday: The constant battle
Today is dubbed “Why Not? Wednesday.” here on TIHS. The idea behind it is that we all have questions and thoughts that we have in our head or that we struggle with but are too afraid to put out there in front of others. I’m going to attempt to be open and honest with those questions and struggles. I’m not the only one that has them, so why not put them in front of everyone else? I hope that by doing this other people realize they’re not the only ones going through these things.
I have some type of complex. I don’t know exactly what you’d call it but it rears its head occasionally. I’ve realized it’s a tactic that Satan uses to distract me from what’s going on and it works a lot of times. It’s also one that I think a lot of people that read this deal with.
Basically, what happens is that I have this raging internal battle between thinking I’m the best in the world at something and that I’m better than everyone else and thinking that I suck and everyone’s out to get me and that this person or that person is getting all the credit when I should be. In recent years I’ve been able to handle the first part of this “complex” pretty well but it’s the second that I really struggle with.
Over the weekend it reared its head again.
When all of this starts to happen I start to think that everyone is out to get me and that nothing I do is good enough. I start comparing myself to other people my age and how they’re “further along” or “better off” than me. I’m completely blinded to anything positive and only see the negative.
Why didn’t they notice that I did that thing?
Why do they put him on a pedestal? What’s so special about him?
It’s not fair that they’re getting to do that and I’m stuck here.
Those are just three examples of the types of questions that go through my head. They bounce around like little kids trying to get my attention. First it’s this one and then once I think I’ve given it the attention it needs this other question pops up. Then another. They go back and forth and it gets to the point where I have to make an effort to just quiet my brain and stop thinking about things.
You see, when this old friend of doubt and questioning comes around for a visit, he takes the place of anything having to do with God. The Big Guy gets pushed to the back and I don’t even stop to think to ask him these questions going through my head. There’s no way that he could possibly answer them or anything.
On Sunday, after going through all of these questions in my head, I finally decided to talk to God and ask him these questions. I didn’t really expect an answer but I figured since I didn’t have the answers, maybe, just maybe he would.
And, like he always does, he did have the answer.
I expected a really complex answer. Okay, I didn’t expect it but I think that’s what I wanted. I didn’t want it to make sense. I wanted God to come back and confuse me. Instead, he came back with the simplest, most pure statement that he could’ve:
You are where you are and you are who you are because that’s where and who I want you to be.
Oh. Well. In that case. Um.
In that moment I realized that it was stupid to compare myself to other people. It was ridiculous to think that because that other guy has gotten further in his career path than me that I’m not as good as him. God has me where he wants me and he has me here for a reason. I don’t know exactly what that reason is but he does and, when the time is right, I’ll know as well.
I know without a doubt that there are people reading this right now that know exactly what I’m talking about. They’re reading this nodding their head and relating to every feeling that I described. To those people I say this: take the time to ask God those questions and then listen for what he says in return.
God’s got a plan for each of us. No matter where we are in life, God knows exactly why we’re there and knows when we’ll be moving to the next step. The key is to be accepting of where he has you and what he has you doing.
What we want for ourselves isn’t always what’s best for us.
What God has planned always is.
And I think he knows better than I do.