we are the ones who will shine
i’m sitting down writing this post at 1:39 in the morning. i was going to write earlier, then i convinced myself not to, and now i’m back to actually writing. call me weird or whatever, but i just felt the need to write.
this is a hard post to write because i’m writing about something that i’d never experienced before tonight. it’s probably going to be a little difficult to follow but i just ask that you stay with me.
i was attacked tonight.
no, i wasn’t physically attacked. in fact, i haven’t left the house since 7:30. instead, i was attacked spiritually. now, most of you reading that are probably like i was before tonight. you’re thinking, “what the heck are you talking about?” or “yeah, i’ve heard about that, but i don’t know what it is.” believe me, i had always thought that the whole spiritual warfare thing existed but that a lot of people overplayed it.
after tonight, i know just how real it is.
and i understand why it happened too.
if you’ve read here for a while, you know my story. you know that i ran from the call of ministry for years before finally coming to grips with it last year. you know that i’m looking for a job and that it sometimes frustrates me. you know that i struggle with lust and pretty girls. you know all of these things that just happen to be part of my make up.
on tuesday afternoon i had my second interview with a church. by all accounts it went really well. i really liked the people i talked to and i think they at least didn’t hate me. things seemed to be going in a positive direction. it started to look like i could be on the verge of finally getting out of the starting blocks and actually into the race.
on tuesday night i had one of those important conversations you have when you start dating a girl. you know, the awkward one about “boundaries” and what was fair game and what wasn’t. as we were talking it became completely obvious that we wanted to make sure we kept our priorities right and didn’t get pulled into the realm that is the physical side of a relationship. unlike in the past, i had someone that i knew was going to be true to that and would be a completely positive influence in that category.
in the span of ten hours, i made a significant move towards getting a job and made a significant move towards handling the physical struggles that i have.
in the span of ten hours, two of my biggest temptations and frustrations seemed to be going away.
in the span of ten hours, satan was losing some of the strong holds that he had in my life for the recent past.
and i think that pissed him off a little bit.
right before i went to do my quiet time, i got this overwhelming feeling that i’d never experienced. i’m not smart enough to describe what it felt like, but i could just feel that i was being attacked.
to be perfectly honest, it scared the crap out of me.
I didn’t know what to do. i knew about spiritual warfare. i knew that through jesus i could do anything. i knew all of the church cliche’s. i had just never had to put them into action before. so i did the only two things i knew to do: i started reading the bible and texting people asking them to pray for me.
before i go any further, let me just say that i find it very, very awkward to ask for people to pray for me. i rarely ever put in prayer requests when in a group. it’s just something i’ve never been comfortable doing. oh, and have i mentioned it was after midnight so i knew i might be waking people up by texting them. when i sent that first text message i was almost crying because i was a mix of scared and embarrassed.
over the next 30 minutes or so i got responses from the guys i texted telling me that they’d pray for me. one of the guys that i trusted the most even asked if i wanted to talk about all of it. before i knew it i was on the phone with him telling him what was going on even though i didn’t fully understand what was going on.
after we got off the phone i went back to reading the bible. normally when i read and do my quiet time i just read it to myself. tonight i was reading it out loud and pretty emphatically. then i prayed out loud which, again, is very weird for me. normally my prayers are very conversational with god and this one just turned into a strong, confident prayer where i ended up saying things without even thinking about them.
then, the next thing i know, i’ve got praise and worship music playing on my computer and i’m laying in bed singing it with my arms raised. ask anyone who’s ever been to church with me: i simply do not raise my arms. it’s just not what i do.
through all of this i have realized a couple of things:
1) when we’re on the verge of something big, we’re going to be attacked. satan’s going to do whatever he can to get us to back down and to stop and get scared.
b) we have got to have strong believers around us that we can ask to pray for us and know that they’ll pray for you just as intense as you’re praying for yourself.
iii) we have to be willing to pray for our friends when they are going through things. we can’t just say yeah, sure, i’ll pray for you. we have to actually do it.
4) prayer works.
e) jesus is always there, even when you’re getting blitzed from all directions. through the whole thing, i never once felt like i was alone. i knew that i had back up and that i wasn’t having to fight everything off on my own.
vi) even in scary situations like i was in, we can never stop praising god. in fact, i think it’s even more important to be thankful in those situations because that shows that we’re doing what god wants us to do.
i know this post was likely very awkward for some of you. i know that it likely didn’t make sense at times. i also know that this is something that every christian will go through at some point and i just wanted to let you know that whenever it happens, you can get through it.
and whenever it happens, you don’t have to go through it alone
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice day.