move me and disturb me. interrupt my peace.
i think that god laughs at me a lot. it’s not a laugh in a negative sense, but more the laugh that a dad gives when he’s thinking, “told ya so.” i’d like to think i’m the source of at least a little bit of entertainment for him.
i’m completely open to doing whatever it is that god wants me to do. i’ll go wherever it is. i’ve given up on doing life on my own or doing what jonathan wants and not what god wants.
but i still like to give god my opinion.
it’s one of those situations where you know a teacher is going to give you homework, or you know the test is going to be next friday, but you raise your hand anyway and try to throw out the “yeah, but we’ve got that big basketball game against the rival school on thursday night. can the test be next tuesday instead?” most of the time it doesn’t work, but you’ve at least got to throw it out there and try, right?
that’s where i am.
i’m completely, 100% ready to get out of lynchburg. i wanna drive down 29 and not look back. i wanna be done with school, done with liberty, and done with the college years. i want to be able to update twitter with the reel big fish lyrics “going away, leaving today, you’ve gotta find a brand new hero.”
i want something new.
i get really bored of doing the same thing over and over for an extended amount of time. it’s why i grow my hair out just to cut it short. or dye it one color this month just to cut it all out three months from now. i like to change things up.
i’ve been in lynchburg going on four years. i’ve done the lazy college thing of just going to class and hanging out the rest of the time. i’ve done the hate my job college thing. i’ve done the love my job college thing. i’ve done the hate my classes college thing. i’ve done the not involved in your school at all thing and i’ve done the crazy involved in everything thing. i’ve been the crazy fan. i’ve been the semi-responsible grad student. i’ve done the single and date around thing. i’ve done the serious relationship thing. i’ve done the getting over a serious relationship thing. i’ve done the single and don’t really care thing. i’ve slept in on sunday mornings and i’ve been involved in a church on sunday mornings.
i want something new.
i want to meet new people. i want to have a new list of restaurants to go through in my head when thinking of going to eat. i want to drive down different roads. i want to not think about midterms and classes and papers.
i used to spend the weeks in the fall counting down the days until football saturday. i planned things throughout the week to do at the game. i made sure everything was ready for the tailgate. i made sure the signs were ready. i woke up multiple times on friday night because i was so excited for saturday. the time between waking up on saturday morning and tailgating starting always took forever. i’d stay up late after the game to read everything that everyone was saying about the game. i’d try to see the newspaper stories as soon as they were posted on the newspaper website late saturday night.
a week and a half ago my school had their biggest football game. ever. in the history of liberty football, there hadn’t been a bigger football game. i should’ve been jacked up. i should’ve been off the charts excited. i should’ve been looking forward to that game to the point where the week went by so slow.
instead, all i could think about the entire week was how i was speaking at a youth service the night after that football game.
we lost that game. in the past, after a loss, i’d sit around with some friends and talk about what we did wrong. we’d talk about why we should’ve done this but instead did that. about how that guy missed on that play and that’s why they scored.
instead, i drove back to my house and, after working a 13-hour day, threw clothes in a duffel bag and drove 2.5 hours to north carolina in the rain.
i’m ready for something new. the things that i grew to love here aren’t the same things that i love anymore.
last week i got an e-mail from liberty saying that my loans were taken back and that i owed the school a bunch of money and if i didn’t pay it, they wouldn’t let me come back. as weird as it sounds, one of my first thoughts was, “hey, god, is this you telling me i get to leave?” instead of thinking like a normal person and realizing that whoa, that’s a bunch of money, i need to get that fixed, i instead thought that maybe this was a way out. i came to my senses pretty quickly, but the fact that i even thought that says something.
that night i got by myself and cleared my head. i did what i normally do when i really wanna have a talk with god. i turned the lights off, turned the tv off, turned the computer monitor off, and just made everything completely still and quiet. i laid there and really just laid everything out before god:
i don’t wanna be here. i want to leave. i want something different. i spend my time here doing my job and going to class but all i can think about is doing something else somewhere else with somebody else. i know that i’m still here for a reason and for a purpose. but god, if my opinion counts for anything, i’m ready to go somewhere whenever you are and if it was up to me, i’d like that day to be tomorrow. i’m willing to wait though. i may not like it, and i may not want it, but if it’s you then it’s right.
then i laid there, stared at the ceiling, and listened. that’s when i think that i heard god at least chuckle a little bit. it was the same way my dad used to when i would try to convince him to let me do what i wanted when he knew better.
i know what i want.
god knows what i need.
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice day.