i think way too much on a one track mind
have you ever gotten so lost in a thought that you look at the clock and it’s suddenly twenty minutes later than it was the last time you looked? that’s been me the past day or so.
my brain works in a really weird way. most of you reading this are nodding your head in agreement right now. it’s true. i think of things in a different way than other people. not only that, but i can see things in my head like a movie.
when i was in fifth grade, i remember my english teacher saying something about how weird it was that i would write out an entire paragraph in my head before i wrote it on the paper. i routinely went up to her and said, “hey, does this sound right?” and would just rattle off an entire paragraph. it’s one of the ways i finished my papers quicker than everyone else.
on a trip from king to lynchburg one time, i completely planned out a paintball store in king with my dad and my brother. by the time we got to the virginia border (an hour and 15 minutes) we knew exactly where we would do it, how many acres we needed, the products we needed, how many courses we would have, and everything.
i’ve told people that i knew the ring i was going to get and how i was going to propose to the ex, and it was two and a half years away. i ran through that so many times in my head that i had it completely figured out how to do it. i could see it in my head and i knew exactly how it would go.
going into last weekend, i thought out what i was going to say when i was speaking at harvest temple. i went through a ton of anecdotes and stories in my head. i thought of a lot of different points to make. i even wrote down a lot of them and put them in my outline so that i didn’t forget them come sunday morning.
this is my last night at the beach. i’ve been sitting on the deck, watching and listening to the ocean, and just taking everything in. i’ve let myself get lost in my thoughts on more than one occasion. i’ve thought about the last two weeks of camp that start tomorrow. i’ve thought about this upcoming semester in school. i’ve thought about life after school.
then i thought about how most of my thoughts never come to fruition.
that paintball store died by the time we got to lynchburg.
the perfect ring and perfect plan to propose is out the window.
most of the stories and points i wanted to make, i didn’t.
so what did i do after I realized this? naturally, i thought about it.
all of these plans and ideas and thoughts were mine. they were my plans. they were things i thought would be cool. yeah, the paintball thing was never serious, but we planned it out so much that it could’ve been.
one of the things that made me realize brentwood church was where i was supposed to be was the sermon that pastor jon preached on august 17th of last year. i went into that service knowing that later that day, i was going to break up with that girl that i planned out the perfect proposal with. in that service, he said something that popped in my head again tonight that really hit home:
sometimes we get so emotionally invested in our own lives that we don’t let god do what he wants to do.
all of these thoughts and plans that i had thought up in my head were my thoughts and my plans. they were things i thought would be cool. and none of them happened.
i’m 22. in the grand scheme of things, that’s pretty young. one of the biggest life lessons i’ve learned is that when we boil it all down, i suck. when it’s jonathan doing things, yeah, they may work for a bit (see: the ex, coastal, liberty undergrad) but eventually, they’re going to crap the bed in one way or another. when it’s god doing things though, it’s awesome. it works. and it lasts.
it’s ok to get lost in your thoughts. it’s even really fun sometimes. just remember not to put your thoughts and your plans above god’s.
if you do, he’s just going to laugh at you.
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice day.