the title of this post says it all. that’s how i feel right now. there’s no getting around it.

i spent three years and four months running from the idea of going into ministry. i didn’t want to do it. i wanted nothing to do with it really. i tried over and over and over to bargain with god so that i could do something else. nothing ever worked.

finally, in late december, i asked god to change my heart. i told him i wanted to be ready to go when the time came for me to do whatever it was he wanted me to do. a month after that, i was finally ok with doing this whole ministry thing. i was apprehensive but i was ok with it.

i’ve now ran into a new problem: i’m tired of waiting.

i spent three years and four months doing everything but “ministry.” i rarely ever shared my faith. i rarely ever invested in people’s lives. i prayed and that junk but i never acted like i know i should’ve as a christian. i simply didn’t do that stuff.

ok, jonathan, but aren’t you working at a camp with kids everywhere?

yeah, i am. there are literally kids everywhere. we’ve got 147 youth campers this week and 40-something kids campers. they’re everywhere.

so, uh, what’s the problem?

that’s what i’m getting to. last week there was more stuff dumped on me because of kid’s camp starting up. this week there’s been even more thrown at me. i didn’t even get to go to the service tonight. i have yet to have a conversation more than two sentences with a camper. looking at what all i’m going to have to do this week, i’m not sure if i’m going to get to help out in small groups like i have been or even get to know the campers the way i have been the past two weeks. i know i’m going to have to miss at least one other service and maybe even two more.

and to be honest, i hate that.

all summer i’ve been content with being here at camp. i’ve known it was where god wanted me. i haven’t thought of westridge at all. tonight, i thought of westridge a lot. tonight, i wanted to be at westridge. tonight, i questioned why i was here instead of westridge.

don’t get me wrong, i know this is where i’m supposed to be. i just don’t know why anymore. i really don’t. hopefully i figure it out and hopefully that happens soon. right now, i don’t get it. i’m confused about the whole issue. i want to be doing more.

there are so many thoughts and emotions going through my head that i can’t figure out or sort through. i can’t even keep half of them straight. i’m anxious. i’m wanting to do something different. i’m wanting to stop watching the game and actually get up and play it. check that. i’m wanting to stop filming the game and actually play in it. unfortunately though, i don’t know how to make that happen.

i feel like i would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters. and i’ll admit here, while I sit here, my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather.

say your prayers and take your vitamins.

have a nice day.