so lately i’ve been in a rut. i’ve felt weird and it’s just been, well, different. it’s one of those things where i know some of the things i was doing or thinking weren’t what i was supposed to be doing, and i wasn’t so sure why i was doing or thinking them.
over the past, i don’t know, two weeks or so i’ve felt myself slip back into “normal 22-year-old guy” mode. it’s the mode where i make all the dirty jokes that pop in my head. it’s the mode where i look at certain places when i see a girl walking towards me down the sidewalk. it’s the one where i think about those certain places as i walk past that girl on the sidewalk.
it’s the one where i’m like every other guy out there.
but it’s not the way i want to be. more importantly, it’s not the way i should be. i remember on more than one occasion looking at a girl and saying to myself, “hey, wait, what are you doing? you don’t need to be looking there.” the entire time i’m saying that to myself, i’m still looking and not knowing why i am looking and knowing i should be looking away.
it’s a weird feeling.
last sunday i skipped church for the first time in lynchburg in well over a year. i just didn’t wanna go. so i slept. i don’t know why i slept or why i didn’t wanna go, but i just didn’t. so i didn’t go. i regretted it and questioned myself, but the fact remained that i was still in bed instead of in church.
it was a weird feeling.
i haven’t been reading my bible much lately. ok, i haven’t been reading it at all. i started chasing99 back in september (where you read the entire new testament in 99 days) and i was doing great. then i stopped reading. i kept telling myself it was because my computer broke and i always did the reading online before i went to bed or right after i woke up in the morning. yeah, that’s why. when i get my computer fixed i’ll start back up. it’s not that big of a deal anyway.
it is a big deal.
there’s a direct correlation between me reading my bible and this rut that i’ve been in. when i’m reading my bible and actively looking for god, i don’t have these struggles. i don’t catch myself looking at girls or not wanting to go to church. i just instinctively look at their smile. i just instinctively wake up, get ready, and head to church.
but that hasn’t been happening.
this morning i woke up in plenty of time to go to church. i laid in bed and didn’t want to go. i just didn’t feel like it. instead, i got up, cooked breakfast, and convinced myself to go to church. when i got there i did the same things i normally did when i got to church. i said hey to a few people. i found a spot to sit. and i got ready for the service to start.
i’d known for a few days that church was what i needed. i’d even asked god a few nights ago to bring me back towards him because i didn’t like the way i’d been lately. i almost wrote this entry last night even. instead, i waited for today.
as church went on, i saw god start answering that prayer. he started pulling me back as the songs went on. the songs even went along with what i was praying for. god was literally answering my prayer as i stood there in church.
i know that there aren’t many people that read this blog. however, i know that of the few of you that do (that i know about), you all go through this same thing that i’ve been going through. you all go through ruts like i’ve been. learn from me. let my mistakes be an example of what you don’t need to do and how to get out of these ruts. stop making excuses about why you’re not doing the things you’re supposed to do and start actually doing them.
and most of all, know that you cannot, by any stretch of your imagination, do all of this on your own. you gotta ask for help.
the cool thing is that the help is sitting there ready to go, you’ve just gotta ask.
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice day.